To Fill My Void
I have gotten used to living behind smokes and mirrors; it
was hard at first, but I have stopped complaining because when you come to
think about it, there is nothing I can do anymore. I am not even a real person;
I’m a ghost, a mere stranger residing the walls of your home and the whispers
you hear at night. I am as alone as it can get, but I don’t mind. I turned into
this long ago, so I guess it is okay. I got used to it. What I can’t get used
to is the void, the void that grows everyday, the one that would soon turn into
a black hole and swallow me only to spit me into nothingness.
Now, you might be questioning why I am stuck here and why I
haven’t made peace and just got out of this cruel, unwelcoming world. Well, I
have got unresolved business. I have got a family that is going to pieces
because I am not with them; I have got friends that drift apart slowly as I
watch by. I have got a girl whom I watch cry herself to sleep every night just
so she can pay me an appropriate tribute. She thinks that by crying every night
she is letting me know she remembers me. She is honoring me. And even though
she is the only one that gets to communicate with me, she is the only one who
has got it hard. I am a constant reminder of what she lost. At least I don’t
constantly remind my parents and my friends of my absence; I give them space to
let go, move on. But not her. I can’t. I know it is selfish but without her
love I’m scared the void would just devour me. I need her, and that is the only
thing I am sure about. This is the only thing that helps fill the void.
Every night, as I watch her sleep, I sing her a lullaby. I
know she can’t hear me but I do it anyway. I would promise that I would tell
her the next time I see her, but I always chicken out and never mention it. I’m
usually too distracted by her presence to have the nerves to ruin the moment. I
only get one day a month. I have only one day to hold her, to whisper in her
ears, to wipe her tears for her. She has gotten used to wiping her own tears,
so I make sure every time she is here that I am the one who wipes her tears. I
want her to remember me, to never forget me. And maybe that is why I can see
her , even if it is for one day. It makes all the loneliness and all the
sadness go away. For once a month, everything seems worth it. Everything I go
through here is worth seeing her for one more time.
Today is the day when she comes, the day when I get
rejuvenated. And I can’t wait to see her and hear that beautiful laugh of hers.
Even now that I am a ghost, I admit that she has a profound effect on me. I
can’t escape it, and I’m not willing to. I hear her voice first, calling me.
And I know I need to go get her before she wanders off and get lost like she
did the first time she came here, but I choose to let her come to me, to let
her feel my presence. So, I stay and wait for her. However, when she does come,
I feel that something is terribly wrong. She is more illuminating now than
ever. She sways her way into my star, which is where I live now: in the stars.
And her smile is radiant, and she is giggling, but it all looks like a misty
fog to me. My mind races as I try to ban the possibility that this has
happened. Why would she do something like this? Maybe I should have let her go
after all. This wouldn’t have happened if I did.
She stands still, smile intact, waiting for me to react to
all this. Oh, she is going to get a reaction for this. I move to stand in front
of her, my long legs helping me get to her quickly. I look into her hazel eyes,
mesmerized because they have turned gold. The same color my own eyes turned
into when I first came to the stars.
“Why would you do this, Becca?” I whisper as I tuck a stray
strand of hair behind her ears.
She smiles, her eyes softening as they always do when she
looks at me, and says,
“Because you are worth it, Julian.”
“No, I’m not.” I point out. “I am… no one is worth dying
for. And I’m sure I am not an exception.”
“Yes, you are. You are all I want. I don’t want my life if
you are not in it.” She takes my hand in hers and says, “This is my choice,
Julian. I respected yours when you came here, to the stars instead of moving
on. You should respect mine too.” She stops for a little while and then she murmurs,
“I want to be with you. Forever.”
I feel my heart soaring in my chest, but I also can’t ignore
the fact that she did this for me. It’s not fair. But something remains
mysterious and I want to know the answer, so I ask, “How did you know that you
would come to the stars? How did you know that you wouldn’t find peace and move
on?”
She grins at me and runs a finger along my jaw line
playfully, “Guess what, I have unresolved business.”
She pokes my nose and then turns to walk away from me, going
to the edge of the star I currently inhabit. My guess is she wants to see the
world as I have been seeing it since I died. When she came here, I would never
let her out of my sight or out of my grasp. So, for her, this is her first time
exploring the stars. I catch up to her and stand beside her, looking out at the
million stars winking at us.
“This is not fair, you know. If you have told me you were
thinking about committing suicide just so you can join me, I would have never
allowed it.”
She looks at me out of the corner of her eyes and mumble,
“Well, that explains why I didn’t tell you, doesn’t it?”
I shake my head in frustration, still unable to believe she
is here. But I also can’t shake the feeling of extraordinary happiness that she
is mine now. She is mine till the stars swallow us whole. Sensing my hesitation
she slips her hands into mine and says, “Listen carefully. What do you
hear?”
I do as she says, but I hear nothing. “I don’t hear
anything.” I chuckle.
“Exactly,” she beams. “There is nothing here but us. No
difficulties, no struggles, no turmoil.” She pauses for a second then says,
“Let the course of true love run smooth for once.”
So I let it.
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